Written by Tonia Berman and Susan Sherman
When did we become a performance-based society? It is one thing to be judged by performance in the workplace, whether it be working in the medical field or at Subway. But now children, especially teenagers, are measured in all aspects of their life by their output. Parents, teachers, college counselors, coaches, peers, etc. are all casting judgment on children every day, sending the message they should be achieving higher standards at a more efficient pace. "It's all about time management," we tell them. Should the primary focus of a 15- year- old's life be managing time or experiencing it?
These kids are working so much harder than the preceding generation. How much more can they be expected to give? They must constantly perform at the highest level. To begin with, academically there are the standardized tests, the CST's, the IB tests, the SATS, and the classroom tests. Then there are the extracurricular activities, often a financial requirement to maintain a job, community service hours and athletics. Where on the list is there time to discuss feelings of happiness, sadness, mixed emotions? Just to feel at all? To share thoughts, dreams, hopes, fears? Emotions don't fit into any these categories. In the quest to be the perfect child, the perfect college candidate, the perfect employee, the perfect everything, do feelings even make the top ten list?
This generation has lead to a group of students who think they are expected to appear problem-free, as it is in alignment with the perfectionist illusion each person feels pressured to portray. It makes sense that teens would work to fit the mold for the public at large, but why do many of them feel unable to share their feelings with their closest friends? Perhaps they don't want to be a burden, for the little free time they do spend together is supposed to be fun, not for sharing their deepest thoughts. Do they fear people wouldn't want to be their friends anymore? It seems as if holding up the mask has become so familiar, it is all they know. It is easier to play a role, and they do it so well, then to let down their guard and expose their true selves. Will people still respect them if they learn of their flaws?
The irony of this dilemma is that although each student feels isolated and unique living inside his/her hidden self, the majority of the students are living under a similar pretense. I believe it is driven by our performance-based society. Not only will revealing one's inner being break the illusion of perfection, but it will disrupt the brain pathways and interfere with personal productivity. Reflection takes time, and we did not budget for this process when we starting over-scheduling our children at the age of two. Although it is easy for me to recognize this flaw in the system, I am a part of it, and I must admit to the role that I played in its creation.
An I.S. senior recently said to me: "I now realize that I have to make my personal happiness my number one priority. Without it, all of this work, the IB Diploma, getting into a good college, has no meaning." I told the student that to come to this epiphany at this early point in life is phenomenal; some people never get there. A person may appear successful, but it is all irrelevant if he/she isn't happy inside. For most people, one aspect of personal contentment is validation. In order to feel supported and validated, feelings need to be shared. For S. and J. (read "S. Writes about her Secret") writing in this blog was but the first step. For anyone who has a tendency to withhold sharing feelings, talking with a TLC peer mentor, a teacher, or an I.S. counselor are all, of course, other options.
Our message to all students: You must make time for the most important thing in life... you. Know that you may be among the silent majority of teens who have yet to learn the art of communication. Rather than living a robotic life with the emphasis on productivity and performance, consider making self-expression and personal contentment life priorities. Although there is a place for time management in the life of a teenager, living life should set the precedent.
Our message to all students: You must make time for the most important thing in life... you. Know that you may be among the silent majority of teens who have yet to learn the art of communication. Rather than living a robotic life with the emphasis on productivity and performance, consider making self-expression and personal contentment life priorities. Although there is a place for time management in the life of a teenager, living life should set the precedent.
Dedicated to: Lauren, Jillian, Meghan, and Chasen: We know that we are not perfect, and we do not expect you to be, either. May you find happiness and contentment, wherever you go, whatever you do. You always make us proud.