You asked me WHY?

Written by Tamara Cornett
c/o 2003

You asked me WHY?

   

You asked me why?

 

The simplest answer I gave you was because it is who I am, while likewise the most complex answer I gave you was because it is who I am.

 

There are so many answers, so many reasons, so many truths that I can provide while all are correct, the truth of all truths is that there are so many words to explain …

 

To me I have no importance; I am of little concern in the grand scheme and am merely a spec within the dust of life.  From my childhood I resigned myself to a world of dark, a void, a place where no one could reach me but from where I could observe and reach out.  I placed myself behind a wall to protect myself from intentionally hurting others; which more than not unintentionally did far more damage. I placed my innocent child self within a castle to be imprisoned and watched over while leaving a hardened protector before the door.  A protector who was to be the me I was when alone, the me I would know was the rawest truest of myself, one that would never let the world inside.

 

However I also darned and sewed and garnered myself another façade, a lighter emotionally controlled me; the shadow, the guardian.  As the shadow I granted myself the ability to always be there for those around me that I cared for.  I would be the one who would walk before them to protect them, I would walk behind them to always have their back, I would walk beside them so they would never be alone, and I would extend within them to give of them all of who I am. 

To the world my guardian would be the face that I knew everyone deserved, a person they would know was always there for them no matter what.  I would be there to laugh, to cry, to hold, to build up, to protect them.  Yet I would also respect, honor, devote, be loyal, sincere, honest, and accepting of who they were for the perfection of exactly who they were; because by them being who they were I could and would become myself.  And regardless of what they showed in return to me I would be her because it is what I wanted, it was what I needed.  At least perhaps that may have been my intent with my shadow, but I’m truly not sure how well I played her.

But despite the outcome I knew I would always be her for them, because to be her was ultimately being for them the person I unfortunately needed so dearly for myself, but could never allow myself to face, embrace, and accept.

 

Though with time and help I have come to destroy the wall that hid my innocent child from the world; blending her with her protector, to age, to wizen and to see the world for what it is and survive within it.  To find a peace to accept the shadow guardian within others into my life and allow them to be who they need to be for me, because I realized that by denying those who cared for me that right I was asking them to do what I would never do myself … to not be there.

And with time I have also grown, changed and transformed who I am so much that instead of guarding my true self from the world, I no longer hide behind a barrier to reel in what I feel and want to express.  A difficulty, nonetheless to overcome, that is exacerbated when the protector of me still wants no one to care for me and the shadow guardian wants to let others in.  A difficulty because the two opposing forces tend create a duel of my emotions, wherein one moment I am highly emotionally charged in one direction and the next I am completely emotionally charged in the opposite direction or I’m completely overtaken by a moment of logic that says take a step back. 

 

Yet, though these light and dark sides of me provide a constant contradiction of back and forth uncontrolled and controlled emotion, both seem to work together at making sure I express myself.  Both seem to know the immediate importance of making sure others know what they mean, because the truth is there may not be another time to tell them. They know that time; a thing that supposedly is seen as plenty and a thing that so many say must be treated with patience, is really one of the most elusive things.  For them, for me, a truth is that life is really a momentary gift and you don’t get to choose what moments you are gifted; so it is beyond necessity to speak, to say, to voice, to show the value others hold in your heart.

   

But most important and perhaps in a strange way of what may seem as desperation I have always wanted and still want everyone to know what I feel for them and what I see in them, so that perhaps they will see it too.  The greatness, the kindness, the endless everything they can be; because every person being exactly who they are will shape everyone else for who they can become. 

 

People have SO much potential they only need to realize it and I so gladly would be the one to help them see it because that is what I see in them every time I look or think about them. I want others to know that no matter how dark they think life or times becomes they themselves are a spark; a spark that can ignite a blaze that could conquer anything.  And I want so much for them to never see otherwise.

   

So you asked me why?

   

My choice, my behavior, my character are by no means something that make me better than anyone else or perfect; but they do however make me frustratingly perfect at being me.

 

This is just who I am. This is just who I want to be.